Impossible Bloody Rice

Whilst I'm on the subject of food, as the staple diet for billions of people around the world rice must be one of the most cooked food items ever.

I have had some delicious rice dishes in my time, particular in Brasil where they seem to be able to make plain boiled rice into a dish all on its own.
Above: Delicious Chilli con Carne, Below: Perfect Jalfrezi

Now, I can knock out a rather good Indian Curry and a wicked Chilli Con Carne. Both of these dishes require huge amount of preparation, the correct selection of ingredients and perfected cooking times. I've never been taught, just learnt by trial and error.

So as a man I am very proud of myself for being able to do something as complex and alien as all of this is (for a mere man anyway).

So why the hell when it comes to popping a few cups of plain rice into boiling water for the specified time on the bloody packet does my rice always turn out like something you avoid on the pavement on a Saturday morning?????

Every single, damned time. Crap, sloppy, yuckie chuck-it-in-the-bin-before-anybody-sees-it rice. Even the dog looks guilty when I put it in her bowl! 'It wasn't me, honest!'

And so when I cook to impress I have to confess that I have to pop into the local take-away and buy their lovely warm rice to accompany my very complicated yet perfect dishes. Always.
Below: My sticky, sloppy, hopeless bloody rice...
WHY??????

If you can cook rice so that it's edible or can see why you think my rice turns out alien-like please let me know below. Save me from my social embarrassment. Please....I might even invite you over!